my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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