So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Your penis caused this!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
