Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Small penises have feelings too.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
