my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
