There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
