John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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