I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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