just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
