We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
