I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
