How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
