I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
