You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
