A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I could fuck to npr.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
