Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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