are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
