Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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