Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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