I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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