And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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