Me too!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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