I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I want a musical about memes.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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