i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm always down for nudity.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
