The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
