He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
