I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
