Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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