I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
