There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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