We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
