i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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