one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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