he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
