he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
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Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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