Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
zippers are such a cool invention
pop tarts are not kleenex
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
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