As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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