Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
