I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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