I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
