I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
