his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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