I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
In other news, I just burned my penis
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
