Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
