I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
