glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
