I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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