marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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