i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
