I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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