I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
