Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
