My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
