There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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