I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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