So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
