I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
