Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
